Almost everyone who has truly loved has gotten their heart broken at one point or the other in their life and decided to handle relationships in a more transactional manner to spare themselves from repeating the gruesome cycle.
We all know that story. The story of the man who sponsored a lady till the university and she dumped him straight after. Even more familiar is the story of the young woman who struggles with a man from grass to grace; sometimes bearing his child/ children and all sorts of abuse in the hopes that she’ll someday get the ring as a reward, only to watch him settle with another woman. Cases that sound less severe but are just as damaging sometimes in the long run involve ghosting and infidelity which could even lead to suicide as seen in the cases of the man and woman abroad who recently killed themselves as a result of heartbreaks. God rest their souls.
These are the stories that characterise many modern romantic relationships.
Infidelity is definitely one of the most damaging acts with lasting psychological impacts on the victim. I’ll define it as violating the agreement to have only one lover by getting emotionally and or sexually involved with another or others.
Almost everyone who has truly loved has gotten their heart broken at one point or the other in their life and decided to handle relationships in a more transactional manner to spare themselves from repeating the gruesome cycle. As a result, some men and women may keep multiple partners to avoid settling their hearts on one partner who will hurt them again. Some are just very excited about the opposite sex and want to experience as many of its attractive members as possible. Some do it for money, human hair, trips to Dubai and some have been told subliminally and outright from birth that it’s their nature and birthright to do whatever they want with the opposite sex ( lie, cheat, rape and abuse).
These motives and more have made the romantic world quite the minefield that must be navigated with caution. After giving it a lot of consideration I can’t help but think that open multi dating MAY be a potential solution both for the players and the hopeless romantics like myself.
I define multi dating as openly having multiple romantic partners with these partners’ consents, and allowing them to do same. One could choose to have a sexual relationship with said partners or not (I vote for NOT especially in the beginning, and especially for hopeless romantics).
If you’re someone who falls too hard too fast you may want to consider multi dating. The key is to see it as an audition for the best partner you can have, limit your expectations and attachments, screen for nothing less than these three: chemistry, compatibility and commitment. Only settle for the one who matches you in all three and kiss the rest good bye.
If only some of us gave ourselves time to interact with as many people as possible, to find out what’s important to us, what exactly we don’t want; If we kept dating casual and were open, honest, unwavering about our needs and expressive of our expectations, we could avoid heart attacks over people who aren’t serious or hurting serious people.
Bear in mind that I’m not talking to married people or people in committed monogamous relationships.
This is for people who are single and want to make sure they get and provide what is needed for the kind of relationship they desire (casual or committed). It’s important to take time to date. Meet people in different settings, cultivate friendships with your dates, observe them and give everyone you’re attracted to a chance. Out of 20, only one could be a real potential partner. You must not have sex with these partners but if you want to and you are totally free to, just protect yourself adequately.
I think we need to stop trying to lock people down the moment we meet them. Let them explore too. Trust me, you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with just you. You want someone who really explored their options and chose to be with you.
The key here is honesty. We need to stop tricking each other. We keep damaging each other because we lie about our intentions and raise people’s expectations only to fall short in the most hurtful ways. If you’re someone who just wants to live life and have fun please don’t confuse serious people. Feel free to live your life with people that share your values and don’t want to be serious as well.
How will you meet them? Multidate and let the serious ones go till you find your fellow free spirit(s). I believe if we are just honest about what we want, even if it’s polygamy, we will eventually find a person or people that want the same things and ride into the sunset with them. Life can literally be that simple ( but then again, I’m the ultimate day dreamer, lol).
If someone let you go, you need to let them go too ( easier said… I know! But a vital skill to develop for your ultimate peace) If you have trouble letting go, you may have an unhealed trauma that is triggered when u feel rejected, you may want to work on that and probably avoid dating for a while.
If someone tells you they’re just trying to have a good time and not looking for anything serious but you want something more and start doing the most to keep them, there’s probably an attraction to or in severe cases an obsession with dysfunction (unrequited affection). It all starts with honesty with oneself. Be sincere about what you want, give people a chance and settle when what they want matches.
Please understand that I am just presenting you with an option that could maybe help or at least add some perspective. No laws here, just personal reflections that I hope will inspire you to try a different approach or at the very least flex your mindset muscles a little. I wrote this for myself and thought I’d share it with you.
Disclaimer: I’m aware that not everything is black and white, so these reflections of mine leave allowance for as much grey area or nuance as everyone’s current situation requires. This write up is purely for season’s, reflection and conversation sake. I’m also very well aware that you could apply caution and still get hurt or hurt someone because there’s no 100% strategy when another human’s ever fluctuating will and emotions are involved.
– Bella Charis.